Deciphering More Than Just a Marrow Girl

It’s about 5 AM. My apologies for not blogging more often. And also for the outrageous time stamp! Decadron, a very powerful steroid (don’t worry, it’s not the manly type that makes you grow facial hair, phew!) induces some pretty bad insomnia for me as a side-effect. But let’s not go into that, I’ll just use this time while I’m awake to reflect and reconnect

I think sometimes you’re so busy living life (even with leukemia) that you forget to extract the moments you want to remember to blog. This journal, however, is really for me to connect with everyone out there who is supporting, caring, and doing all that they can to help me find a marrow/stem cell donor match. I know I keep saying “thank you” a lot, but really, don’t stop getting tired of it because that’s all I feel: gratitude, appreciation, thankfulness. I know my genetic twin in HLA protein markers is out there somewhere and we can do it! Team Janet: you are my army – my cadets, my generals, my sergeants! And I will be your captain leading you forth in one of the greatest battles this world has ever seen against Mr. Luke.

However, a new dear friend, Mary, suggested that I should try and illuminate more sides of me than simply being a victim of leukemia. Or as, you know, “THAT bone marrow girl”. What she says is true — I’m a multifaceted person. Before I had leukemia, I was Janet. Now that I have leukemia, I am still Janet. Nothing has really changed except the circumstances. So my army men and women, as you continue to fight for me with all your might to create heroes in the making so that other lives can be saved, I will try to boost your morale by providing entertaining stories, lots of encouragement … and enable you to decipher me a little. I’ll try to pull out pigments and fragments of my life from the past, continue the momentum of the present, and lay out the groundwork about my hopes for the future.

Truth be told, everyone likes attention at one point or another. I am noticing that I’ve started to gain a lot of awareness both online and publicly about this, and well, to tell you the truth, I’m that girl who goes to a party and enjoys watching other people more so than being in the limelight or stage. I’m more of a behind-the-scenes worker. Being thrown into this now has caused a sudden shift in my life, but I know the publicity is necessary due to the way this needs to be carried out.

And so, in saying all of this, I guess I’ll take a brief break from medical updates (don’t worry, those will come!) and start this out as best as I can:

I learned a couple of years ago that my name was translated from Hebrew as “God’s gift”. Cool, I thought. But what does that mean?! After all, my parents named me after the month of January. And maybe the nurse was playing something from Janet Jackson on the radio, who knows? I was very much an “adult child” after I turned 5 and thankfully I have slowly regressed backwards with more of a playful mentality. By adult, I mean to say that I sort of seemed a little too calm and wise for my own good, completely jumping off the childhood bandwagon where we should all just be playful little monkeys and give our parents a really, really hard time. Now I’m glad to give them a hard time in other ways as a 22-year old daughter, as a former teen

From a very young age, I always knew that I would be an environmentalist and a humanitarian. I love the Earth too much to see us slowly destruct the home we share with thousands of other species. And secondly, I identify myself as someone who loves people too much to see those who are unfortunate in the developing world to suffer from their circumstances. The aim is to improve the well-being of their lives, their happiness, even if it’s something small like a glass of clean water to drink. This also includes people on the domestic home front. Finally in college, I knew that I would be a decent teacher, because I truly felt that I could keep a watchful eye and a nurturing love for students who want to achieve their dreams as future leaders, celebrities, astronauts … what better profession than one that enables you the privilege to watch the growth and development of a beautiful human being at a very particular stage in their life (i.e. kindergarten, 3rd grade, 11th grade, etc)?

I’m hard on myself mostly because I grew up watching my parents juggle four jobs as restaurant waiters working 16-hour days for 16 years. This is one of my primary motivations for working hard in any endeavor. They gave up their ambitions so that I could pursue mine wholeheartedly without too many obstacles in the way. Part of the slight setback in all this is that I have leukemia now, and though I know I should never blame myself, I feel like I let them down slightly by becoming victimized with this blood cancer.

You see, in deciphering me, I hope that my army realizes that the captain you are defending against Mr. Luke’s troops really, truly, desires to live. Perhaps it does sound a bit selfish to say that it makes the captain feel really good when she can fulfill these idealistic dreams. I don’t seek to be some kind of charismatic icon, nor do I ever want to grace the covers of TIME magazine. But I do want to win this fight, because I love this world and the people in it too much to leave it too soon.

I asked myself, how can I give back to those who have given so much to me already? The answer? To win. And I promise you, soldiers, I will do everything in my power to make this world a better place in my own way when I finish off Mr. Luke. In my lifetime, I suspect that it may not be as monumental as the greats — like Obama or Gandhi. Or have a compelling effect like Michael Jackson’s. I am not that special. But I will make a difference, and that’s all I really care for in the end.

All right, my brain is finally feeling tired. Next time, I am just going to suck up my pride and take a sleeping pill. Tomorrow marks the last day of Round 2 by the way with an injection of aspariginase! Can’t believe I completely forgot to mention that, doh! Definitely a sign to get the rest I need.

Love and always thinking of everyone,
Janet