A letter to my chemotherapy drugs

Dear Lt. General Methotrexate and Sergeant 6-Mercaptapurine “G-unit 6 MP,”

I’m in an absurd amount of pain. You guys are just like Wolverine from X-Men — you usually have good intentions, but when you go off into a berserker rage killing spree, you have no mercy! While I am honestly thankful that you’re doing this round of blasts against leukemia, I finally understand why my doctors said that our soldiers needed to retreat for two weeks in order for my body to EVEN begin to FATHOM what you’ve done and begin to recover/catch up.

6-MP, you need to stop bringing my blood counts and platelets down on purpose. You must control your temper and the side effect, because I don’t want to be living on borrowed blood every week, and I don’t particularly like it when random big bruises show up on my body out of nowhere. Although most patients can’t handle you. I can ONLY MAYBE endure you for 3-4 weeks at a time before I want to question your loyalties to the brigade. So now we’re going to pull you out for a rest temporarily, because my body can’t handle it anymore and needs to catch a breather.

As for you, General Methotrexate … same deal. We did just fine last time. Now you’re plunging around killing everything you see in sight. Please – my liver, kidneys, and gallbladder are innocent bystanders/civilians. They never wanted this war in the first place so if you see them just standing around chilling in despair and muteness, it’s because they’re afraid that you’re going to think they’re on the wrong side of the battle. You need to try to kill leukemic cells without damaging my healthy ones with equal force. Don’t you dare take out your anger on my liver! Unfortunately, due to your temperamental nature (no offense) I woke up finding myself in a wheelchair on my way for another one of those CT/PET scans at 3:00 am in the morning, followed by an ultrasound of the stomach by 7 am. I couldn’t breathe without feeling like my rib cage was about to explode. What was that about?!

I know you two are crazy. I know you two are probably the most crucial soldiers to the army on the physical front. But enough killing with innocent civilians, a.k.a. my organs and tissues. Don’t let Mr. Luke (leukemia) think he’s smarter than us, because he’s not.

Sincerely,

Janet
Head General of the Army