Disability

There have been a lot of entries formulating in my head that I’ve been meaning to pour on paper. But I’m so tired right now. This is going to be one of those “get-straight-to-the-point” posts. My sentences may not be complete or grammatically correct.

Some thoughts:

- Thank you so much for your birthday wishes. I live to see my 23rd birthday! I don’t think I need to say anything else.

- I am nostalgic for the days when I used to run around UCLA with a coffee mug in one hand, a backpack that weighed 25 pounds filled with my binders/textbooks/laptop, a blue teacher’s bag filled with tutoring lesson plans strapped on another shoulder, a couple more books in my hand, and a copy of the UCLA Daily Bruin newspaper under my arm to stay aware of campus events. I was a walking disaster, but that’s how busy I was …. running around like a little bird from building to building trying to pack everything I could do in one day. And when I mean nostalgia, I mean to say, I long for those college days when I felt as if I was being trained for the real world in an experimental setting … any mistakes were easily forgiven (not too big of a deal): i.e. not scoring high enough on tests, coordinating meetings, having good turnouts at events planned

- Today I broke down in my friend’s car out of nowhere after hearing someone received a bone marrow transplant successfully. I think these were tears of joy though and extreme happiness, though quite a weird reaction, you’d think? It was all very sudden too, like a switch in me just turned on, and I was completely overjoyed.

- Did I say I was exhausted? Fighting nausea non-stop. I’m loaded with anti-nausea medicine, but have been vomiting on the occasion, and that’s not suppose to happen with these powerful meds. This doesn’t usually happen with the current round I’m in — aspariginase and vinchristine. Round 4. I’m halfway there. At most, I felt fatigue, jaw pain, and muscle aches. A nurse practitioner reminded me that the rounds aren’t mutually exclusive; they build-up as I go along, so by the time May or June 2010 hits, you can bet that I will be pretty OUT OF IT.

- It SUCKS to be extroverted and sociable … with leukemia. The isolation KILLS. The cancellation on seeing friends at times I had made commitments to beforehand makes me feel so FLAKEY. I NEVER stand any one up, and feel like I have to apologize so much for having them to be flexible with whatever my body is feeling that day. Lots of guilt. Lots of it.

- I have been bed-ridden for the past few days. I sleep at odd hours, just whenever now. Doesn’t care if the sun is out, I can probably take a good nap and lead myself into REM sleep. I also stay bed-ridden sometimes because when my head is positioned horizontally along the bed, my headaches don’t hurt as much. It must be the 5th lumbar puncture I got during the hospital early in the year.

- It’s not depression I’m fighting. And I’m not in denial either. I actively seek out help when I need it. But there are days when I wake up with a dim blue sadness, because the days seem longer than I had expected. I feel very lonely and am finding it hard to readjust to more introverted activities or hobbies. I crave and seek human contact from my personal world. To remedy this, I already made lists of ways to get myself out of these blue moments: calling a friend at least once a day, visiting a park for fresh air, indulging myself in popsicle sticks and chocolate without a care in the world (except that I’ll brush my teeth afterward)…

The key to fighting what you may think could be an onset of depression or just the plain blues from time to time is to allow yourself to feel sadness when it hits you, but not to let it dip so low to the point of no return. I think that’s what gets people in trouble often. Feel it, cry, vomit all those emotions out, then move on. Pick yourself back up.

All right, another wave of nausea hits. So tired that it seems like a truck hit me. Or a small car. Very dizzy, headache, nausea, jaw pain, wah, grumble, complain, complain. I can’t spend more than 15 to 20 minutes on my computer without the desire to purge. Will write again soon. Should try to use my time wisely when I have peak moments of energy.